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"I'm sure it did, but what online sex manual the rest of it?" "There is no rest of it!" She her head. "Don't bullshit me again, baby. We've been through this before. Remember? Elliot you, he stuck a dildo up your ass and then later his cock, and he fucked you. So how did that make you feel?" to hell!" I snarled. She got up and walked around her desk and faced me. "You were helpless. couldn't do anything to stop him. He fucked you. How did that feel? Tell me Mike. Goddamn it, tell me!" FELT GOOD!!" I screamed and the tears that stopped started harder then ever. I choked on them as I continued. "Jesus Christ, it felt... good. Are you satisfied?" had an orgasm," she said calmly. "Yes! Goddamn it, yes," I could barely get the words "I tried so hard not to, I didn't want... I couldn't myself. Oh God! How could I have been so sick!" I couldn't go on. I don't know Alice made it over to me so fast, but she did and I was in her arms in a second. Her body was as comforting as I'd thought it would be. But there wasn't enough comfort in the world me at that moment. I had done it, let slip my big secret, the thing I'd sworn I'd never tell anyone. Alice knew I was as much a pervert as Elliot. I didn't know how she could stand to touch me. "It's okay, baby, it's all right." Alice's words sunk into my brain. "No," I said in a hoarse voice. "I should've been stronger! I should've never allowed myself to get in that position in the first place." Alice back and looked at me skeptically. you're so tough. Listen to me, Mike: what you felt is absolutely normal." "Yeah, fuck me - I love it." "Knock that shit off right now," she snapped. Her voice was so harsh I sat back and looked at her through swollen eyes. "You know better than that. Didn't one of volunteers come and talk to you at the hospital and tell you about involuntary sexual pleasure?" I dimly recalled the conversation. "Yes, but..." "No, don't go there. You're a man. If your prostrate is massaged long enough, in the right way, you are going to ejaculate. It's physiological reaction - that's all there is to it. Elliot knew that; it was one of his of power. He used that to degrade you, make you feel worthless. He was playing a game, and this was his way of stacking deck. Don't be a schmuck and let him win." She continued to talk and I argued At some point it started to sink in that maybe she had a point. I'm not saying believed her yet, but somewhere in the back of online sex manual brain, a young voice was telling me I should maybe listen and start giving myself a break. It was almost 7 by the time said goodbye to Alice. The staff had gone home except for the folks on the crisis Alice followed me out to the parking lot and to her own car. I thought of something as she unlocked her door and sat inside. "You knew, didn't you?" I asked. "All this time, you knew that this was what really bothering me." She shrugged. "I guessed. I wasn't sure, but it was a pretty good bet. You're not the first male fuck victim I've counseled. This actually pretty common. It happens females, too, but not as often. You, however, were a textbook case." I was perplexed. "How so?" "Look you, baby. You're tall, strong, handsome, macho..." "Gay," I added. "That, too," she agreed, I'm willing to bet you take lot of care not to be perceived as effeminate because of it. I think that's important to you. And anyway, what does that have to do with fuck is power - it's not about sex. Lots of rapists swing both It's the dominance that turns them on. They like to make people helpless. Some of them, like Elliot, translate that to mentally helpless, as well as physically. It's what gives them their charge, and to hell with the lives they destroy getting it." I nodded, and she reached out and my hand. "You listen to me, Mike," she said quietly. "You're stronger than you know, and you're to make it through this." I thanked her, we said goodnight, and I walked over to car. I had alot to think about on the way home, online sex manual lot to face, but I felt better about myself than I had in a long time. Of course it wasn't easy. I wasn't suddenly 'all better' - I don't want you to think that. But day was a step forward; the hole I'd dug for myself was getting shallower, and I'd be able to I'd be able to leave it behind all together. One big relief was my sex drive coming back. I don't mean I was ready to out and score a quickie at the bar, but I was able to at least about sex without wanting to puke my guts out. And my dick was making a young comeback its own. Now, the only problem was trying to think of anybody, but Joe, as good fantasy material. folks came up for my graduation. I'd been talking to trying to decide what I was going to say to them. She listened, but mainly declined to give me her opinion. It wasn't until the day they arrived that I managed to wheedle anything of her. "It's up to you, baby," she said finally. "I don't live your life, and I can't tell you how to live it. But I do know for myself, I've found the truth, no matter how difficult, is always better." I thought about that the whole I'd been tapering off on the sleeping pills and had been doing pretty well, but this I was sleepless. It didn't feel too bad though, because for I was up because I was facing my problems, not because I was trying hide from them. My parents arrived around 3 the next day. Only my sister Sarah had made the trip with My brothers still had class for another week. Sarah was a senior in high school and was already I would be heading home for her big day in another two weeks. Lucy had insisted that my folks stay with at the house and Sarah was going to bunk down with me. Lucy had met my parents once before their annual trip to see Michigan play State in football, and they'd hit it off as soon as Lucy realized my folks were going to root the Big M and not the Nittany Lions. I took my folks over to Lucy's and left Sarah get her own things unpacked. After we'd dumped suitcases, Lucy gave us all a glass of wine and we sat around the kitchen and talked. I knew if I was going to say anything now was the time. I took a big breath and began my nerve left me. Lucy figured out where I heading and tried to leave, but I stopped her. It wasn't as if this was anything new to her, and in my newfound resolve for I wanted her there. the moral support would be great if my parents weren't able to handle as well as I hoped. It went and it didn't. My folks, as always, came through with their love and support, but they were so horrified that I felt like shit about telling them after all. I assured them that I was fine physically, and that mentally I was on my way to a recovery. I glossed over that last part; even mentioning had brought tears to my Mom's eyes, and my Dad had to stand and pace the as he listened. Eventually, we switched the conversation to something less controversial. Just in time, too, Sarah came in the room, bitching about how hungry she was, and wasn't I going to take them to fabulous for dinner? The rest the night went by uneventfully, and if my Mom held my arm a young too often and my Dad couldn't staring, whenever I thought he wasn't looking, it couldn't be helped. Sarah was her usual smart-assed and that was good. It leant an air of normalcy to what could have been an otherwise-strained evening. one point, when Sarah left to go to the bathroom, conversation stalled and I thought it would be best if I made my own escape. I used the same excuse my young sister had, and headed for the john. I had finished up and coming back when I noticed Sarah, still in the hallway, talking to a guy. He was an okay-looking babe, maybe 19 or so, and he wasn't doing wrong as far as I could tell. But it suddenly hit me that my young sister wasn't so young anymore. And what made it worse was that somewhere puberty and now, Sarah had grown up goddamned gorgeous. She was as fair as I was dark, a taller clone of our mother. She could've a real 'Alice in Wonderland' thing going for her if she'd it up. Instead, she'd adopted a grunge rock look that, I was sorry to say, worked well, too. Now she was headed for college - not here, though at Northwestern, for broadcasting. It hadn't been all that long ago that I'd been getting ready for my first away from home. I remembered how much I'd looked forward to it. Then I remembered why and walked up to the pair to break them up. "...that's not that far away," the boy was saying. "Maybe we could together sometime over a weekend." "Hi!" I said, and felt great satisfaction the babe jumped. "Oh, it's you," Sarah said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Have I been long? Were you sent to rescue me from the of the white slavers who we all know lurk outside of restaurant restrooms?" I her. "So aren't you going to introduce me to your young friend?" "Er, Justin," he sticking out his hand. "Asshole," Sarah hissed, glaring at me. I lazily ran my eyes over the babe. "Seems okay to me." Okay, probably had the shot she gave me coming for that one. But she was my baby sister, after all, and was supposed to act like a pain in the ass. It's in the rulebook somewhere. wisely decided that it was time to split. Sarah and I made it to the table without her causing me too much damage, although she did manage to kick the back of my every third or fourth step. She stopped talking to me, too, after She didn't unbend until we'd gotten our folks safely tucked away in their bed at Lucy's and made way back to my place. "I'm sorry," I said, for the thousandth time that night. Sarah threw her purse on the couch and walked to the fridge. She pulled out two cans beer and tossed one to me. Apparently, her highness had decided to her generosity and forgive me; even if it was with my own beer. "You're too young to drink that," said as I popped the top on mine. "Oh, bite me." She took a big swig and came over to the couch and sat beside me. Her face got serious. "So you were fuckd?" I had just my head back for another swallow. I choked and beer shot out of my mouth and nose. "Fuck!" I jumped and grabbed some paper towels. "How the hell do you know about that?" She shrugged. "You were telling Mom and Dad. I listened." "What charming habits you've picked up," I said, rolling my "Whatever works. So you're okay now?" "Didn't you around for that part? Yeah, I'm fine." "Good, I'm glad." Her face softened she looked up at me. "Mike, I really am glad, know." I smiled at her, touched by the unaccustomed concern. "Thanks, Sarah. That means a lot to She backed off; it wasn't in her to be nice for very long. "I mean, what would I do if you went ape on me? Then I'd only have Andy to talk to, and we all know what a shit-heel he is. Rob is too young yet. Though," she mused it over her mind, "he is kinda sweet. Probably the best of us, anyway." "Gee, thanks." "Well, you know what I mean. You're straight," she said, and stuck her tongue out at me when I laughed pointedly. "Well, you know what mean. I'm pretty much of a bitch, and Andy has gone totally over to the dark side." I nodded. I knew this was the truth. Andy had always been wild, since he'd hit high school it was even worse. My parents were worried sick about him. "So that leaves Robby, the great hope," Sarah concluded. I took another swig. "You think he's going to be okay, huh?" "Yeah I she said with a nod. "He's a real sweetie, even when he's being a pain in the ass. He idolizes you, - did you know that?" "You're babeding?" I was pleased, though I tried hard not to show "He's always talking about his big brother who hangs out with jocks and is gonna be a lawyer. You know what he said the other day? In front of the whole clan, including Livid?" I shook my head. "He said," she started do a perfect imitation of our youngst brother's voice, "When I grow up, I want be just like Mike... except for the gay thing." I burst out laughing. "What a young shit." what Dad said. But Mike, he was serious, so don't turn into a basket case or something. He needs you. I... we all Then I thought of a question I'd wanted to ask her before, but had got distracted when mentioned Rob. "Sarah, do you think that Mom Dad are okay about me telling them about the fuck?" She snorted. "No. Of course they're okay! They love you and want you to be safe." think I shouldn't have told them then. I mean... I worried because I was afraid they might be disgusted or something. Sure, they know gay, but do they know exactly what that means?" She gave me this disgusted look. "Jesus, for someone who'd supposed to be so smart, really are clueless. They would never equate your being gay to your being fuckd. Even they aren't that stupid," she said, then corrected herself. "Actually, they aren't stupid at all." I raised an eyebrow. Sarah really was growing up - than me, it seemed. She hugged me quickly, then got up and confiscated another beer and one for me. When she came back to the couch changed the subject. "So Joe was the one who rescued you?" I nodded. "He started it, but there were others who were "So romantic." think I mentioned somewhere before that Sarah had a long-standing crush on Joe. I'd always thought of it as some cute young girl thing, but Sarah wasn't a babe anymore. It worried me that still might feel that way. I snorted. "You can't possibly be still over Joe? Sorry Sarah, but you aren't his type." It was only something to say - just bullshit to her mad and off track. So her response surprised the shit out of "I figured that out a long time ago," she said, looking sideways at me, judging how far she could push "Last Spring, when I came out here for that week." "You mean when you conned Mom and Dad into thinking were going to go to school here, so you could get some time out of class?" She grinned. "Sure, that was the plan. But Mike, I did look the place over I saw a lot of other things too. Like..." She swallowed; sometimes that veneer of hers was pretty thin. "...how you looked at Joe when you thought he wasn't watching." "What? Don't crazy on me here." I couldn't look at her, even as I said it. it's okay," she reassured me, "you never did it in public where someone else would see, just here, at home. I guess take me for granted so much, you didn't remember I was around. But I was, and I'm not the young innocent you I am." "I'm beginning to realize that," I muttered. "I noticed else, too. Something you might be very interested in." "Yeah, "You weren't the only one looking." My head shot up and I stared at her. "Sarah, so help me God, you say one thing about this to anybody..." She rolled her "Oh chill, please. I would never do that. But I want a favor in return." "Okay - you can have my old Van Halen CD's." "Cool, but not what I was going to ask for," she with a grin. A cold chill ran down my spine when she continued. "What I want is simply the truth. Are you and Joe lovers?" know he was engaged this fall," I retorted. "And also know that doesn't mean shit! And you haven't my question." I thought about it. I was willing to tell her truth. Alice was right: the truth was always best. The only was, I didn't know what that was. I looked at Sarah, smiling next to me and expectantly. I took a deep breath. "I'm working on it," I said quietly. Sarah's smile turned into a grin and she jumped into my lap gave me a big hug. "Oh that is so great! I would so love to have Joe for a brother-in-law." pulled her back. "Hey, wait a minute! Let's down here. There are a lot of problems..." - that was an understatement, I thought to myself "...like Joe doesn't really know if he can have a relationship with a man, let alone open about it. And I can't have it any other way." She nodded happily, unwilling to even think about that. "Don't worry so much, Mike. He loves you - trust me, a woman knows these things." I tickled her ribs and she squirmed giggled and tried to get out of my lap. "Woman, eh?" I laughed. "I don't see any women around - just a skinny assed girl who has a big mouth and sees much too much for her own good." "Oh, you are sooo gonna get it for that!" attacked me back and we ended on the floor like we used to when we were babes. We didn't stop until we out of breath. We lay there together, exhausted, until Sarah finally yawned and said needed sleep. I needed some, too, because of the thoughts that had kept me up the night before. I got up and then leaned back down to give her a "Mike promise me you mean that." "Mean Sarah?" "That you'll work on getting things right with Joe. That you won't put it off until it's too and then, for the rest of your life, wonder what could have happened it you tried harder," she dropped her head as cheeks flushed. "and yes, I know this is none of my business." "When has that ever stopped you?" "Shut up, I'm serious," she punched me, but my teasing had done the trick and she wasn't embarrassed anymore.
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